Jackass, Twilight Style!
by Stargirlrox
Summary: Edward, Emmett, and Jasper disappear one weekend, and come back with a dvd. What the hell were they up to? Don't kill me, this is my 1st Twilight fanfic Rated T cuz I'm paranoid!
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

It had been a pretty hectic weekend at the Cullen household. We were all getting ready

for the wedding, which was only a week away. The thought of getting married to Edward,

the perfect being, still sent shivers down my spine. It was at that moment in time that I realized something. I hadn't seen Edward, Jasper, or Emmett almost all weekend! I shivered at the thought of what mischief they could get themselves into.

I walked over to Alice, who was busy working on the hem of my wedding gown, and trying not to display any concern, asked, "Alice, do you know where the boys have gone?" She looked up at me, and replied, "I think they went hunting. Why?" It calmed me down when she said that. I had been worrying over nothing. "Oh, no reason. I just wanted to know where Edward was." She straightened up, and a hazed look came over her eyes. "Well, you don't have to worry about that for much longer. They'll walk through the doors in about 5 minutes." And, like always, she was right.

300 seconds later, the 3 missing vampires bounded through the door. Each had a stupid grin on their face, and Emmett was carrying a video camera and a laptop. I asked, quite stupidly, "What did you guys do this weekend? Emmett just said, quite boisterously, "Well, you're about to find out! To the living room!!!" And with that, he bounded into the living room, and put a DVD on. I just thought to myself, 'why would they tape whatever they did?' All was answered when the movie started. It showed Emmett, Edward, and Jasper standing in a field, holding paintball guns, and grinning. Emmett walked forward and said in a perfect imitation of Johnny Knoxville's voice, "Hi. I'm Emmett Cullen, and this is Jackass, Vampire style!" And as he ended that sentence, he turned around and shot Edward and Jasper with paintballs, who returned fire. I just stared at the screen, and started laughing hysterically when Emmett got shot so hard in his… male parts… that he fell backwards into a lake!

I remembered seeing Jackass when I was younger, and I wondered what mischief they'd get into during the couple of hours of filming that they'd done. The first stunt, obviously Emmett's choice, was Spring Grizzly Bear Wrestling. In this skit that Emmett was explaining onscreen, you had to go find a grizzly bear, still sleeping, and wake it up. After you had one the first step, you had to attack it, or provoke it to attack you. Then, you had to wrestle with it, and see who won!

Of course, Edward had to be up first. Like_**that**_ didn't make me nervous enough! He found a giant male grizzly, picked up a giant boulder, and threw it at the grizzly. **That** woke it up! It turned around, and focused its beady eyes on Edward, and lunged. It didn't get too far, though, because faster that I could see, Edward had gotten it in a headlock and was wrestling with it. The poor bear was no match for him, and soon was on the ground, exhausted. It looked dead. I don't think it was, because I saw it breathing. The camera went from the bear's nearly lifeless body to Edward's triumphant face, and it swiveled to see Emmett give Jasper $100. _They had bet on the outcome?!?!?! _ Ooh, I was **SO** going to get them when I was a vampire! Emmett better watch his back!

Next, Edward thought of a challenge. He announced, "And now, we will perform a stunt called Werewolf wrestling. It is the same as Grizzly bear wrestling, except you have to find a werewolf instead. Emmett will be performing this for your viewing pleasure!" . I was surprised that Emmett was doing this challenge, but I wasn't so surprised when I saw Emmett's Werewolf choice. It looked like it was Jacob! Emmett started grinning, and I realized it _was_ Jacob!! Emmett, I'm sure, was aware of it, and I'm sure he did it to get back at him for me. I still hadn't forgiven him for kissing me. He walked up to Jacob's sleeping form, and yelled in his ear, 'Bella's a vampire!!" Jacob shot out of is sleep, and jumped up. His eyes took in Emmett's laughing form, and he started growling. Emmett stopped laughing, motioned with his fingers, and said, "Bring it on, mutt!" Jacob charged at him and slammed into his rock-hard form. Edward and Jasper raced in, and started helping Emmett defeat Jacob. Jasper leapt onto his back, and started trying to pin him to the forest floor. Edward went for his legs, and tripped him up. Emmett grabbed a rope (I have** NO** idea where it came from) and started tying him up. I looked over at the guys. They were shaking in laughter, and I guess reliving this must be funny as Hell for them. It's not every day that you get to tackle and tie up a werewolf! It cut to the next skit, and I wondered what they did with Jacob. Oh well. No use dwelling on it.

Suddenly, the power went out. It was so sudden that I jumped, and landed on Emmett. He and Jasper started laughing like two loons. I, as always, started blushing, and Edward picked me up. He had a worried expression on his face when he asked, "Are you okay, Bella?" "I'm fine," I replied, and on a second thought said, "Well, I guess we'll have to finish this tomorrow!" Everyone, Esme and Carlisle included, (They had snuck in during Edward's Grizzly Wrestling match) was saddened at the thought. I suddenly remembered something. "Hey, Emmett?" "Yeah?" "What did you do with Jacob?" He grinned evilly at me. "Let's just say I hope he likes Jamaican food!"

**What do u think? Love it? Hate it? Loathe it to a point of no return? I NEED TO **

**KNOW!!! Do u want me to continue this? And do u want to know what the hell has **

**happened to Jacob? Review Pwetty Pwease With A Cherry On Top? **


	2. Grenades and Paintball!

Hey!! I'm baaack!!! I'd like to take a moment to appreciate the 3 people, Lilvampiregirl13, Sarah, and MammaKitty01 who all made me feel better about my story!! This chapter is dedicated to them, for without them, I probably wouldn't be writing this.

Disclaimer: However much I want to, I own no rights to Twilight or Jackass. Damn.

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BPOV

In the morning, 4:30 to be exact, I was rudely awakened from my slumber to the sound of Emmett charging through the house yelling "THE POWER CAME BACK ON!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

I jumped off of Edward's couch, where I had been sleeping (Alice had "kidnapped" me for the weekend. Again.) and ran down the stairs, tripping in my haste and crashing into Emmett. He was so excited that he barely noticed me trying to regain my balance, and dignity, and get off of his chest.

By the time I got upright again, the whole Cullen family was already in the living room, and Emmett was fast forwarding to where the power outage had left us hanging.

Jasper suddenly appeared on the screen, in a golf outfit and holding a golf club, and said, "This next stunt is called Grenade Golf. Emmett," he gestured out at the golf pitch, "Will be standing out in the pitch, running around with a target shirt on. Edward and I will be trying to hit him with these grenades," he pointed at a huge bucket of grenades at his feet, "The one who hits Emmett the most wins!"

Soon, the screen was alight with grenades exploding, and Emmett screaming like a little girl while he ran like hell from the grenades Edward and Jasper were lobbing at him. Eventually, one hit him in the head, and he fell over. When the challenge ended, the score was Jasper, 20, and Edward, 19. Jasper started smiling, and they both laughed hysterically when Emmett came up with his shirt torn to shreds, and I think he was slightly smoking.

The scene melted out, and came back to Emmett, Edward, and Jasper standing in a meadow grinning like idiots with paintball guns in their hands. '_What __**is**__ it with them and paintball guns?!?!' _ I thought, but my mind was quieted when my angel started talking. "In this stunt, we will be reenacting the Civil War, but with paintball guns, and only 3 vampires instead of thousands of humans. Please remember that these stunts were preformed by 'professionals' and should not be imitated."

Huh. I didn't know my soon-family were professional stuntmen! How come I never get told these things??

Their paintball war started with all three war participants standing in their field, backs facing each other. They took 10 steps for ward, and turned, open-firing on each other. The screen was suddenly covered in paint, and when it was wiped clean, I could see Edward retreating for the trees, followed by Emmett, who was shooting at his back. Jasper was nowhere in sight. I briefly wondered where he was, before Edward appeared in the screen shooting at Emmett, who was moving so fast he was barely visible. It was then that Jasper reappeared.

He came shooting through the trees, into the clearing, and stopped 5 feet away from Emmett and Edward, and pulled out a paintball **bazooka!!** Their eyes opened wide, and Jasper started grinning and launched paintballs the size of my **head** at his brothers! One hit Emmett down below, and I thought, '_wow. Emmett's had really bad luck this weekend!'_

The war basically went on like that for another 5 minutes. Emmett got hit in lower parts like 5 more times, and with Jasper's experience with wars, he teamed up with Edward for the final epic battle. It ended with Emmett pinned to the ground with Edward and Jasper sitting on him yelling "**PWNED**" at the top of their lungs at Emmett. They unloaded the last of their ammo at the camera, blasting it with colors.

When, again, somebody cleaned it off, something occurred to me. I had seen Emmett, Edward and Jasper in almost every scene. And I had seen the camera swivel in the werewolf wrestling scene. _**Who the hell was shooting this??**_

**So, what's the verdict on this chapter? **

**Also, I could use some help. Can you think of any stunts that you'd like to see? Any at all?? I've got some, but they're not very good, and I'd appreciate suggestions.**

**Hah. I gave you something to think about tonight… or for the rest of the week. I may not be able to update, because I have relatives form England that came over, and I might be spending the week in a boathouse… with no computer… I kno, torture, right?**

**Did you know that reviews make the world go 'round? (Hint review hint)**


	3. Turkeys and Target Practice!

K, so this is a Thanksgiving special. Gonna be a lot of turkey in this chapter!!!

Thank you to all of the people who reviewed! I probably would've deleted this if it weren't for you!

Sorry it's a day late. I had to bake a pie…

Also, unless I put it otherwise, all of these chapters will be Bella's POV. Just a heads-up to avoid confusion. Also, vampires can barf in my fanfic. Idk if they can in real life (The books) so I thought you might enjoy a heads-up! They may or may not barf… I haven't decided yet…

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I guess at some point, I fell asleep, because I was suddenly awakened by Emmett shaking me and yelling, "**WAKE UP BELLA!!!" **in my ear. It worked.I jumped up, but this timeI fell into Edward's lap. To his amusement I started blushing, and I turned to the screen in hopes of hiding the red stain creeping up my cheeks.

On the screen, Emmett was explaining what they were going to do next. "Now, as we all know that Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so the next couple of skits will be centered around Thanksgiving and its traditions!"

The scene changed, but this time, Jasper introduced their new skit. "So we all know that one **big** Thanksgiving tradition is sitting down to a big turkey dinner. We will be dining on turkey in this skit. Emmett, Edward and I will each get a 16 pound turkey, and we will have timers. The rules are quite simple." He walked over to a table laden with knifes, forks, and 3 ginormous turkeys, and continued, "They are we have to eat everything except for the bones and organs, and if we barf before the challenge ends, whoever barfed has to forfeit. Whoever has the fastest time wins!"

A couple of seconds passed, and all 3 vampires were sitting at the table, eyeing the turkeys like a small child might eye a piece of broccoli. I heard a weird, but familiar voice say, "3.2.!!" I guess whoever was filming this is also the director. After the voice said Go, the boys launched themselves at the turkeys, and only one word could describe their facial expressions. Disgust. Everyone, including Emmett, Edward, and Jasper burst out in laughter, and by the time it subsided, Emmett was already halfway through his turkey. Even though his face screamed, "I'm going to be sick" he kept on stuffing the meat in his mouth.

Jasper, well, I don't know what he was doing. It looked like he was trying to cut his turkey into microscopic pieces. I don't even think he'd **eaten** any of it yet!

Edward was catching up to Emmett, with 1/3 of his turkey gone. He started eating faster, and plugged his nose in the vain hope that it would lessen the 'awful' taste of the turkey. I don't think it was working, 'cuz he had a HUGE grimace on his face, and if it was possible, he looked paler than usual.

Wow. Emmett's nearly done! And Edward's nearly caught up with him!! And Jasper's still microscopicising **(an: I just made that word up. It means he was still cutting it up to microscopic pieces)** his turkey… Ooh. They don't look so good… It's like me after I got the stomach flu. In other words, they looked sick.

Now Edward's caught up with him! And I think Jasper's started to eat his turkey!! His face was so funny I could barely contain the laughter building up inside of me. He looked like he'd just drunk a whole gallon of lemon juice!

I looked back over at Emmett and Edward to see them on their last pound of turkey, while Jasper's turkey… Wait. Where is it? **IT'S GONE**!! I guess Jasper finally succeeded in microscopicising it… Or he just crammed the whole thing into his mouth…

He stopped his timer, soon followed by Edward, and finally, Emmett pressed his. I could tell all of them were struggling not to be sick, and frankly, I was glad nobody _had_ been sick yet! I wouldn't have lasted if somebody had.

When the times were checked, Jasper's was 3:21, Edward's was 3:29, and Emmett's was 3:40.

I was still in shock about who won when the next skit started. Edward introduced this one. "Now, this isn't a tradition, but I might just make it one! It's called Werewolf Target Practice. Now, you may remember earlier when we caught and tied up Jacob. Well, we're bringing him back for a little target practice! Now, we've attached more rope to him, and dangled him from a tree." He gestured at a tree with a huge russet blob dangling from its thickest branch. "In three locations, we have giant tubs filled with turkeys for using for splatting on said werewolf. This is no contest. We're just doing some target practice. Emmett really needs to work on his aim!"

In one of the locations with the turkeys, I saw Emmett waving his arms around and yelling, "I heard that!" Edward just grinned, and continued. "There will be a timer, sadly, set to about 2 minutes, so that we don't kill Jacob accidentally."

That would be funny. Death by turkeys, what a _horrible_ way to go! Well, not so bad for Jacob…

The weird voice spoke again, saying, "Okay. Get in your places. On your mark, get set, Toss!!" As they said toss, the guys all picked up turkeys, took aim, and launched it into the air. The first turkey hit Jacob in the face. Once I saw them, I realized they were _**raw**_. Ew. I'm glad I wasn't Jacob, for more reasons than one.

Jasper was taking time to aim, I could tell. Almost every one of his hit Jacob in the face. I really enjoyed that! Only one went astray, but it still hit him. Let's just say Emmett wasn't the only unlucky one this weekend!

Edward was also taking aim, but I think he was concentrating more on the power of his shots, making them more painful for where Jacob was hit by them. Because Jasper was already hitting his face, he aimed for the chest and back (The rope was swinging in circles). Soon, Jacob was barely recognizable he had so much turkey on him! And yet it still came…

Emmett went for the only open place left for throwing turkey; the legs and that general area… He rarely hit Jacob's legs, aiming for a higher place on his body… I'm guessing payback for all those times Jake had made fun of him. Which was a lot. I had a feeling he was going to be very sore, and smelly, in the morning. And still the timer said 1 minute.

The last minute basically consisted of Emmett, Jasper, and Edward flinging turkeys and picking the dropped ones off the ground, and throwing those, too. Jacob was starting to like a giant turkey. He even had his head stuffed in a turkey, courtesy of Edward. I was really enjoying this! But sadly, it had to end.

The last couple of seconds ran up, and the boys untied the turkey-werewolf, and threw him in a box. Emmett turned to the camera and said, 'We may or may not bring him back later. Depends on our mood…" Those made everyone, Esme and Carlisle included, laugh **really **hard. I doubt that the werewolves didn't hear it. Unless they had been included in stunts and were sharing Jacob's fate…

I remembered earlier when I had heard the voice behind the camera, and during some random skit about bungee jumping off of a bridge, I looked up at Edward and asked, "Who exactly was filming all of this?" He grinned at me, and asked, "Do you remember Jasper's nomad friends, you know, the ones who came to visit us, Peter and Charlotte?" "Yeah… Why?" His grin got bigger. "We ran into Peter and Charlotte on the way up to Alaska, and got them to be the camera crew!" I frowned. "Oh. I'm just glad it wasn't someone like Aro." Edward looked at me, and said, "You think we'd get the _Volturi_ involved in this??" I blushed again, and mumbled to myself, "Maybe…" I turned to the screen again, trying to immerse myself into the stupidness of their stunts and forget that I'd even asked…

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**What'd you think? I couldn't help myself with the Jacob thing. Oh, and in this story, as I think I explained in one of the chapters, Bella is still mad about Jacob kissing her, and doesn't mind him being hurt.**

**I hope Gina is reading this! I put in TONS more details, just for her!! Yay for longer chapters!!!! **

**Don't forget to review!! I'll still take ideas for stunts, if you've thought of some since my last update.  
LUV TO ALL REVIEWERS!!! THANX!! **

**~Stargirlrox~**


	4. Messing with Mike

OMG!! I'm SOOOO sorry I haven't updated!! Damn school! And parents!

HAPPY 2009!!!! I would've gotten this up at Christmas, but my parents wanted to have 'family time' every frickin day for about 2 weeks!!! So this is a belated Christmas Present.

WARNING: If you live up in Lake Tahoe, and you ski/snowboard, WATCH OUT!!! There was a rash of board/ski stealings over at Mt. Rose (I'm not sure about other places)

My bro's got taken, and even though we got a call saying they found it, his wasn't the first one. His was the 16th reported missing over about a week, so KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR STUFF!!!!

You know something weird? My mom teaches a class at the Santa Rosa Jr. College, and she has 2 men called Scott Swan and (My mom doesn't remember his first name) the other guy's last name is CULLEN!!! How funny is THAT!! No, his name is not Edward. It's like, Lewis or Larry, or something…

There is a Matrix reference. Serious awesome points to whoever finds it!

Props to all who reviewed this story, and thanks for the ideas! Virtual cookies and chocolate milk for all!

DISCLAIMER: If I won the lottery, Twilight would be mine, but I have not, so I don't.

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I have no idea what the last couple of skits were about, because a certain vampire was distracting me. Stupid vampires and their seductive neck-kissing! I should _REALLY _consider getting off his lap or something…

Finally, he stopped, presumably for a really funny bit. Thanks to _someone_ (Cough Edward cough) I had missed their explanation (**AN: sorry, I got bored of explanations. You'll catch on soon enough**). I had only heard that they were going to mess with Mike, and something about 'redecorating', but I had heard nothing else.

I started to concentrating on the screen, and saw Emmett, Edward, and Jasper sitting in the back of a modified van. They didn't look like they normally did. Emmett had brown eyes, and his skin was tan. Jasper had blue eyes, and his hair was slicked back. His skin was a little less pale than usual. Edward had brilliant emerald eyes, and was tanner than usual. His hair was spiked, and I realized that he didn't look right to me. None of them did. They didn't look right 'human'.

Emmett had one of those huge fake checks, and he was practicing his smiles in a compact mirror. All three guys were dressed in business suits, and I could see workmen's outfits in there, also.

Suddenly, the van stopped. I guess Charlotte or Peter was driving. They got out, and ran up to a familiar looking house. I realized it was Mike's house. They went up to the door, and rang the doorbell. It chimed to the tune "The hills are alive with the sound of music', and I couldn't help giggling.

Mike's mom answered the door, and Edward, in an entirely different voice, said, "Hello! Is this the Newton Residence?" She replied, "Yes, why?" This time, Emmett said, "Because YOU just won an all-expense paid home makeover!!" Miss Newton started screaming, and jumped around on her 5-inch heels. It was an _extremely_ funny sight to see! Imagine a large blond woman jumping around her lawn, screaming, "We won!! We won!!" and you'll know what we were seeing.

Edward stepped forward, and stopped the screaming woman's rampage. He explained some of the rules to her. "Okay, so we need the house _completely_ empty for about 2 hours, but after that, you can come back to your **newly** decorated home!!"

Then Emmett stepped forward, and added, "Can you please sign this contract saying we are not liable for any damaged or lost items, and that we have total freedom with what we are doing."

He gave Mrs. Newton the contract, and a pen. Then Mike walked outside, and asked, "Hey, mom, are you okay? I thought I heard screaming…" He had seen Edward, and was openly staring at him for a couple of seconds before he ran back into the house.

Then I remembered that on Saturday, Mike had called me asking 'where Cullen was'. I thought he was going to come over and to try to convince me to ditch Edward (As if!), so I told him that Edward was with me.

Mike came back outside, and asked, "Who _are_ you?" Mrs. Newton replied, "I'm your Mom, silly!" Mike just glared at his mom, and then looked at Edward and repeated the question. He replied, "I'm Robert Masen, and these two are Kellan McCarty, and Jackson Whitlock" He pointed at Emmett and Jasper in turn.

Ah, so they kept their original last names!! (**AN: I don't know Emmett's original last name, so I used one I see in many fanfics to avoid confusion)** I have NO Idea where the Robert, Kellan, and Jackson came from, though!!

'Jackson' stepped forward and started asking Mike his preferred colors, and if he was allergic to anything. 'Kellan' just gave 'Robert' a look that said 'like it matters'. I guess they already had something special planned for Mike.

The camera stopped for a couple of seconds, and when it came back on, it looked like everything was going at high speed, but of course it was just them running in their vampire-speed. Oh, so that's why they only needed 2 hours!

Soon, they were done with everything except for Mike's room, and it looked AMAZING!!! There were exotic colors everywhere, and everything matched _perfectly!!_ I almost thought they had help from Esme until she said, "Oh, so I ask for help with decorating the house, and nothing, but you redecorate THEIR house, just like that???" Emmett just looked up at her, smiled, and said, "Nope!"

That little comment really made us look like we were high. We were giggling and laughing all over the place.

We were even worse when we saw Mike's room. It was perfect… for a 6 year old!!! And not a male six year old either!!! Mike's room had been pinkified!!!

His walls were a dark pink, with a light pink ceiling, and light pink lacy curtains. His bed, now on the side of the room, had PINK My Little Pony sheets, and matching pillows. It was covered with layers of glittery mosquito netting, going down all the way to a fluffy white carpet.

On his desk, there was a pink laptop, a pink iPod dock, and pink manila folders filled with personalized stationary (Very frilly, I might add). Mike's now pink stereo was playing Barbie Girl in the background, and his walls were plastered with every kind of Barbie poster imaginable, pinned up with nails. You couldn't get those babies off without a) tearing the posters, making them unsellable, and b) taking the nails out, which would leave permanent holes in the wall.

To top it all off, there was a pink loveseat facing a Barbie TV. The wall next to it had a shelf attached, and they were stocked with every single Barbie related movie, or show, in EXISTANCE!!! Emmett stepped into the camera's view, and asked, "Do you think he'll like it?" I started choking on my laughter, and wheezed out to Emmett, "I'm _**sure**_ he will!" Of course, now there was even more laughter, and I wondered how I'd gone this far in life without their love and friendship.

I turned back to the screen just in time to see Mike's family return. His mom was in total shock over how well the guys had done, and was just wandering around in a daze. Mike ran straight to his room. He stopped at his door, and pulled a note off of it. He read it out loud, and said, "The cake is a lie. There is no spoon. There is no Robert, Jackson, or Kellan, either. Go ahead, check your room. We'll be watching."

Mike's eyes were like dinner plates when he basically busted the door down (Hello? Ever heard of a DOORKNOB??? Y'know, the round thing that opens the door?). His eyes raked over his new 'pretty' room, and heard the music, and yelled 'NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' while collapsing to his knees on his plush carpet. Mike's mom walked in, and surveyed the room. "Awww, Mike, isn't this sweet?" she said in a gushy voice, and Emmett muttered, 'well, it's obvious that she wanted a girl.' It was, painfully (as in, I laughed too much pain) so.

I looked up at Edward, and asked, "Could this get any better??" He replied, "Look at the screen, love. It IS about to get better!" He, of course, was right. A disco ball descended from the ceiling, and pink light was reflected around the room while Brittany Spears blasted from the stereo. "Wow,' I said, "How could his life get ANY worse?" Mike must've thought of something, for he jumped up and ran to his closet. Upon opening it, he found skirts, blouses, and skinny jeans in every color of the rainbow! The floor was covered with shoes, and there was even a make-up corner! And then the doorbell rang, and I could hear Tyler yelling, "Yo Mike! You there?" Mike glanced up, fear glazing his eyes. I guess he didn't want his friends to see his new room. He cautiously opened the door, and there stood Tyler, Eric, and a bunch of guys from school I barely recognized.

Eric stepped forward and said, "Hey, man, were here for the party." I swear Mike's eye twitched. "What party?" He said through gritted teeth, and Tyler held up a handwritten invitation in Mike's penmanship. The guys started streaming into the house, despite Mike's stammered protest, and headed for his room. He TRIED to stop them before they got to his door, but he was too late. By the time he got to his room, all the guys were on the floor, rolling around like a bunch of looneys in a looney bin. (**AN: Go Georgia Nicolson!!)**

At that moment, Emmett came swinging through the lacy windows, and landed on Mike. "Am I too late for the… Whoa, who brought the Pretty Patrol through here???" He took out a camera, and snapped numerous photographs, and jumped back out. I could hear him laughing hysterically both on and off the screen, and I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, Mike was nice, but kinda stalkerish. Let him suffer, I say!!

And suddenly a question popped into my mind. I looked up at Edward, and asked, "How did you film all of that extra footage of Mike's reaction?" before Edward could reply, Emmett cut in, and said, "We installed these wicked awesome spy cameras all around his house! They're still there you know…" I was still confused. "Isn't that illegal?" Emmett looked sheepish, and said, "Noooo…"

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**I have 2 minutes to post this. Thank you for all who read this. Reviews are appreciated, and pie will be distributed to all who give me ideas. Sorry for the non-reviewyness. See ya soon!**

**-Stargirlrox.**


	5. Flirting with Disaster

Hi guys. Here's the next chapter of Jackass Twilight Style! Incase you didn't see the name, it's called Flirting with Disaster. All credit to this idea goes to Divine Divinity! Thanx for all of the great Reviews! Just to let you know, I think the next chapter will be the last, without the Epilogue. There will be one. Truuust me…

Just to let you all know, I might not update for a while. On Saturday, my parents told me they're getting a divorce, and I'm not taking too well to it. I'll persevere for you guys, but these infrequent updates might either get even more infrequent, or more frequent. Who knows? I don't…

To warn all that don't like swearing, there is some in this chapter. But the T rating gives me the right to swear…

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I had just recovered from Mike getting embarrassed when a message flashed onto the screen.

_WARNING: The Vampires in this next scene are only acting. _

_Anything said or done is not meant. _

_Just remember that your husbands/fiancées love you!_

I stared at the message until it disappeared. What had they done NOW???

I glanced over at Alice and Rosalie, and I didn't need Edward's power to know we were all thinking the same thing. Alice's face held a confused expression, and Rosalie's was a mask of suspicion. Both were staring at their husbands, who wore guilty, and slightly scared, expressions.

I looked over at Edward to see his face didn't hold the fear, just the guiltiness. Confused, I glanced back at the screen to see the name of the scene was Flirting with Disaster. My mind started to work, and my suspicion was confirmed when I saw Jessica onscreen, texting, sitting on a bench at the park in Port Angeles_. Jessica's turn._

I saw Edward go over, and sit next to Jessica. The camera moved swiftly behind her, and you could see the screen of her phone. Jessica looked up, and saw Edward sitting next to her.

Her eyes widened, and she quickly typed out something on her phone.

_Jessica: OMG, Lauren! Edward Cullen, like, just sat next to me!!!_

_Lauren: OMG!!! Talk to him!!! I KNEW he'd leave that Bitch for u!_

I glared at the screen. I knew Lauren didn't like me, but still!! She called me a_** bitch**_!!! I'd get her later…

Edward started the dazzling process by saying, "Hi, Jessica. How are you?" with one of his crooked grins. Jessica giggled, and started typing.

Jessica: He asked me how I am!!! How sweet!

_Lauren: OMG! He's hitting on u! Reel him in, grl._

Jessica looked up into Edward's topaz eyes, and said, "Now, I'm great!" Her eyes narrowed 'seductively' and she smiled. The only thing I felt like doing was ripping off her head, and feeding it to the wolves (Not the Quileutes).

Then Emmett strolled into view, and yelled, "Edward! Stay away from my woman!" Jessica looked behind her, searching for Rosalie, before turning around, confused.

Edward stood up, and said, "Emmett, go home. She's mine!"

Jessica furiously texted something out to Lauren.

_Jessica: Emmett came, and now they're fighting over me!_

This time, Lauren didn't reply.

Jessica looked up to see Edward and Emmett rolling around on the ground, punching each other and wrestling. To any normal human, this would look like a serious attack, but this was barely anything. I had seen Jasper and Emmett tear up whole forests wrestling before.

Jasper suddenly walked up, and yelled, "STOP!!!" at 'the top of his lungs'. I knew he could be louder, if he wanted. Emmett and Edward stopped, and looked up at him. He grinned, and said, "Jessica's mine, bitches!" Emmett launched himself at Jasper, soon followed by Edward.

Jessica looked freaked out. At school, the only guy that liked her, as far as she knew, was Mike. She wasn't used to guys fighting over _her_!

I glanced over at Rosalie and Alice. Rosalie looked like she was going to kill Emmett, and Alice looked like she was going to kill Jessica.

I looked back up, and saw the guys smash into a tree, breaking it. At least it wasn't too big…

Jessica was freaking out, screaming, "Stop it!!" over and over again, with no results. After the 50th "Stop it", they did stop.

Panting unnecessarily, they all got up. Edward said, "We have to settle this. Now." Emmett and Jasper nodded, and they bared their sharp, white teeth at each other. They all pulled knives, and ran at each other.

There was a ripping of clothes, and some red liquid started running off of them. I screamed before I remembered that they couldn't get killed. And they didn't have blood.

Of course, Jessica didn't know that, and started screaming like a maniac. She started running, and pulled out her phone. Just before she got out of hearing range, I heard her yell, "Hello?! 911?! There were some boys…" and she faded out.

The guys picked themselves off the ground, laughing hysterically. They all high-fived, and started cleaning up the scene of the 'Crime'. Emmett even ran off for a second and bought a tree to replace the one they tore up!

Soon, everything looked the same, and the camera, along with the camera man, jumped into a tree. We didn't have to wait too long before Jessica was running back, along with policemen, firemen, and even the Channel 2 News team!!

She ran into the little clearing, and yelled back at them, "They're… Here…" Her eyes widened with panic, as she took in the clearing and its' lack of dead Cullens.

She turned around t face everyone she had brought, and babbled, "They… They were… right here!! I know they were!" She frantically ran around the clearing, trying to find evidence of the 'murders'. She found nothing.

The police looked aggravated, the firemen had left, and the Channel 2 News people were setting up.

"Hello, I am Trisha Sanders, and this is the 6 o'clock News. Tonight, we come to you live from the scene of a would-be murder. Jessica Stanley, a resident of Forks, Washington, claims that she witnessed the murders of three teenage boys. She is now being taken to Forks psychiatric hospital for testing."

I nearly fell over, again, from laughter, and I saw Rosalie get off of Emmett lap.

She stood in front of him, and yelled, "What was that????" Emmett looked like a bunny facing a hawk, fear covering his face as he said, "Uhhh… Edward's idea?"

I glared at Edward. "This was your idea???" He looked at me, and his golden eyes melted right into me. He replied, "I just wanted to get back at that miserable girl. If we got Mike,

why not get his girlfriend?" I blinked. "Oh".

Rosalie started yelling again. "Just because you're shooting a movie like this doesn't mean you have to be in every scene!!" She stopped yelling, and in a normal voice said,

"You know the usual punishment." Emmett groaned, and said, "For a whole month, Rose?" She nodded, and he buried his head in his hands.

"What?" I asked, and Alice leaned over. "The normal punishment," she said, barely containing a laugh, "Is no sex. Depending on how bad Emmett was is how long the ban sticks." Oh.

I burst out laughing, and Emmett whined, "You wouldn't think it was funny if it happened to you!" My eyes widened, and I laughed even harder. He thought for a second, and yelled, "Not like That!!"

Once I stopped laughing, I thought, Wait. How were they able to film this without Jessica noticing?? I glanced over my soon-to-be family, and realized, Oh, right. Vampires. Peter or Charlotte probably has some mystical power that allows them not to be seen or something like that. Damn vampires and their awesome powers…

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So? Like the new chapter? Hate it? I would LOVE to get some feedback. It keeps me going.

Ok, this chapter is dedicated to my BETA and BEST FRIEND Jacob's Imprinted. Without her, I probably would've exploded. She made the worst day of my life bearable.

And to answer a question among my friends (Off the computer, silly), the list goes:

& Krista

…

I hope all of you guys out there enjoy this unusually long chapter!

Don't forget to review on your way out! See you soon (Hopefully)

Forever yours, fanfiction nerds and fanpires alike,

~Stargirl

Beta Note

Yo, sup mah peoples?

Yeah for Stargirl. And also virtual hugs. Everyone is now required to give virtual (or real, if you're a stalker…) hugs to Stargirl.

And since I iz non-afraid of ze internets, I iz the Cathrina mentioned. I have no idea what that list is, but I made the top, so it must be good. YAZ!


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